The subconscious mind

The subconscious mind is a horrible, evil thing. When one has full use of their facilities, it can easily be supressed. Things we chose to forget can easily be tucked away. Raw emotions, unimportant tid bits of information, pain...if fully aware can be hidden safe in the recesses of our mind.

Add a little stress (a dying mother, an ailing grandmother), long hours at work (it's trauma season, duh), travel (a conference, a marathon to work), trouble sleeping (it's too hot, the brain won't slow down) and those carefully tucked away what-nots seep slowly out of their crevices into one's subconcious. So when the exhaused carrier finally reaches the point where she sleeps deeply, the subconscious puts on a dreadful show completely with emotions, smells, sights, and sounds.

This invasion of my finally restful nights leads to a return of many doubts and fears subsequently affecting my relationships with those closet to me. Remember the post a few HNT's ago where I lamented about my inability to utter those three little words to the individual I now love? Last week in the middle of a dream I walked up to him at his kitchen table, put my arm around his shoulders and said "I love you" clear as day and without hesitation. That woke me right up! God, I wish it rolled off that easily when I was awake.

Three years ago last week the person I loved and had vowed to spend my entire life with handed me his wedding ring and left two weeks later. I've mostly moved past that. Well, now that it's that time of year again the subconscious mind where all that pain and heartache has been has started seeping. Two days in a row now I have been awakened in sweats and out of breath from dreams of my current relationship crumbling in front of me. Scares the shit out of me and makes me doubt and question even the slightest suggestion of anything not being just right.

I HATE THAT!!! It's a weakness. It's a sign I don't have control of that piece of my head. It's a testimony to what I can't say when I am in control. It's a whisper of what I should say. It's a trap leading me into self-doubt. The conscious ,logical, level headed part of my brain tells me everything's fine, life is hectic but it's all okay. Now how do I explain that to those that I need to explain it too...