Change

Tomorrow morning I am presenting a Lenten retreat based on the concept of change. More specifically, the potential for change followed by the acceptance of change ending with the ultimate process of change. As I sit tonight reviewing my notes, I realize how relevant the material is to my own life right now.

I try to keep this site fairly positive but the challenges of the past 6 months of my life have been well outlined. The past two years have been very focused on my mother's health and required frequent trips home, lots of hours of worrying, and ultimately the process of grief. I have also been coping with the loss of a long term relationship which I valued dearly. Along with the loss of the romantic relationship comes the associated loss of a companion/partner/sounding board. Change in life is inevitable. In the past, I relied on school or work to get me through the changes in my life and the bridges I had to cross.

My bridge has been taken away as well. I am no longer mentally challenged or satisfied at work. I came into my job with a lot of uncertainties. I was the first PA ever on the Ortho Trauma Service. The Ortho Trauma Service itself was new and evolving. During my time in this position we have made three major organizational transitions leading to changes in my roles with each shift. The program is now much better for patient care and runs much more efficiently than that first day I arrived. Mid-levels played a large roll in that. However, as the system got more and more structured, so did my role.

I'm at a crossroads in my life and ever since my high school graduation my motto has been "to take the road less traveled". I'm starting to look for a new path. There is plenty of possibility for change. That isn't the issue. With all the changes in my life recently and hence the multiple stepping off points I now have, I have chosen to seek the aid of a skilled professional counselor to help me wade through both the grief and the acceptance of the changes.

While wandering through the woods with Rachel I told her what I think I needed to hear myself say to fully begin to accept the possibility of change. As we trekked our way through the woods filled with the fresh pine across an undisturbed trail, I had an "aha" moment. I need a path not yet traveled or I'm not happy. I get stagnant. I need the challenge and the uncertainty common to change.

So with all this in mind, I am actively working on accepting the possibility of change and exploring the process of change in my own life. I need to find the right path for me. Potential options are currently revealing themselves to me. The fear and uncertainty is definitely present. There is a twitter of excitement too though. At least I have help to see me through as the winds of change blow by.