I wouldn't consider myself an insomniac. I wouldn't consider myself a good sleeper either. I'm not restless, I can usually just fold the covers over when i get up in the morning. I just find sleep frustrating. There are times when I find sleep completely overrated and look at it with a "why bother" attitude. Like tonight, it's 9:30 pm, I'm finally home for the night after going to a local football playoff game to cover for the sports medicien department, I'm almost warm again and I need to start packing. So, sleep would be nice, would love to crawl into bed now and call it a night but I have to get this packing done. So, what the fuck, might as well just stay awake right?
There are other times where sleep is precious. Like this past Sunday afternoon when I curled up on the boyfriend's couch with a pillow and a blanket after getting very little sleep on Saturday night while tossing and turning on a hotel room floor while my mom snored up a storm. I was out cold from about 2.5 hours on his couch. It was great. Great until a bad dream woke me up in a cold sweat. I was so so tired after all the driving and the little sleep from the night before. That precious sleep ended with a rude awakening that had me unsettled the rest of the night. Worried even about going back to sleep at bedtime.
So many nights I go to bed feeling completely exhausted. I work long days in a demanding job. Patients can drain you. My typical bed time routine is always the same. "They" say it is healthy to have a routine at bedtime. This time of year my routine is something hot to drink about an hour before bed. I have flannel sheets, I put a heating pad on a little while before I got to bed or while I'm getting ready for bed. I crawl in and read for pleasure every night before bed to turn my brain off from work stuff. Some nights I read one or two paragraphs and am out cold. Other nights I read one or two chapters and call it a night. I fall asleep without any problem. The problem comes about three to four hours later when I just start waking up. I don't have to pee, I'm not dreaming anything bad, I just wake up. I look at the clock, fall back asleep. I will do that through my alarm. The instant my alarm goes off I'm back into a deep pleasurable sleep. I crawl out tired.
Other nights it is the dreams that make sleep frustrating. I have always been a vivid dreamer. Good or bad dreams, I remember them well. I am also the type that will awaken from a dream be confused of where I am, etc. The dreams lately have at least slowed down a bit. For a good portion of this summer work related dreams and problems with Dr T dominated. Now it is dreams full of a lack of self-confidence in both myself and in my relationship with the boyfriend. The ex getting married has upset me more than I'm letting my conscious brain admit I think. I'm terrified of going through that same sort of pain in any way ever again.
There are days where all I want to do is sleep. Take a regular Saturday afternoon, I can curl up in bed and sleep for hours. out cold to the entire world. Last fall when my sleep was so bad, I actually scheduled an appt with my doctor. her answer, to me, another health care provider, was that "it's a habit", "get over it". Well, I haven't gotten over it.
I hate taking sleeping pills. i have done it. In fact, on Sunday night I took one along with my bubble bath and hot apple cider and I slept for 10 hours. Hard. But I don't feel truly rested when I do it that way. I used them from the day after my ex left me until I took my boards and quit using them. I used them about a year ago when things at work were very very bad and I was getting no sleep at all. I quit on my own. I have also taken anti-depressants, I'm not sure if I'm there to the point of needing them again. I don't want to. I want to be confident again, feel secure in my relationships with people that mean a lot to me and trust in those relationships, I want to sleep at night and be rested.
Sleep is frustrating!
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