Okay, I feel a bit like I'm drowning right now and it is getting harder to breathe. I just found out that on the 1st my ex-husband got married. Now, i know most of you will say that I shouldn't care but it still hurts. I have been preparing myself for this for a long time. About 8 months or so ago I found out he was going to get married and then about 6 weeks before the wedding in July it all fell apart and we all thought he was finally getting his life together again. He came home to see his family, moved out of her house, supposedly finally was seeing the light. He also got a lot more "nice" to me, trying to "patch" the hurt he caused. Not to get back together but to finally say I'm sorry for what he did to me. I'm not going into details but it was pretty much the darkest time of my life.
Anyway, when i was home in August his former best friend said he thought he had heard that they might be trying to get back together. Well, guess they did. I am chatting online with his little sister right now and she just told me. I feel sort of fuzzy, like I should be crying but nothing will come out, and my tummy is in knots. The biggest thing is that way back the first time I thought he was getting re-married I started filling out annulment paperwork. He could care less if he gets married again in the catholic church and obviously didn't because since it kept being "on again, off again"I never finished the paperwork. i want to get married again someday, I'm no where near ready right now but it is so painful to sit down and describe the things that were wrong in a marriage you thought you were going to be in forever. I truly was happy married and don't regret any of the time I had with him. But now, all the pain is brought back up again.
As soon as I'm done chatting I'm going to call my best friend Heather. It is times like this when I really really wish my MT friends like Heather, Os, Kamey, Nikki and Ryan, Megs and the rest of the gang was around. I could use a hug. I loved this man once and he can just go on not caring and do whatever he wants with his life and I'm stuck dealing with the consequences, like going through this annulment thing alone and reliving the pain. Now I get the pleasure of filling in his name with a new wife on that paperwork too. Just one more thing on my plate, good thing I'm not sleeping well anyway.
Breath, in, out, breath, in, out. no tears but lots of ache.
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