HNT...Favorite of 2006

This was my favorite HNT of the year. I like it because it was both my most revealing and yet my most secretive HNT picture. It told you many many things about me and also kept a lot hidden. When i posted it I was angry, scared, frustrated, and lost. Not all of those things have gone away, some things are more certain now than they were before but this was a truly honest picture and post earlier in 2006.

This is me at my most vulnerable...

For a few reasons. First because I think it is the most revealing picture I have ever shared with HNT but also because of what it means. I have mentioned a rant is on the way. I'm not sure if it will get published and those closest to me have already heard it. Instead of a rant, I think I'm going to rename it a "release" and this might be enough.

My mom is dying of cancer.

She has been for five years so one becomes numb a bit to the reality of it when death has been hovering for so long. Well, this past Friday her main oncologist called me at work to ask me if I could talk to her about why comfort care/hospice might be the best option at this point. I have medical training, I have a "good" understanding of the science behind treating or not treating an illness. But, my God, he just asked me to explain to my mom they why you should "give up".

I use the phrase "give up" because if my mom decides to NOT have any further chemo that is what she sees it as. Giving up, giving in, letting it win. However, you look at it. It no longer allows her to be involved in her care. So, how do you tell a strong, faith filled woman with a Midwestern grit that all the medical treatment in the world won't treat her cancer anymore?

So...I feel vulnerable. I have cried more in the last five days than I have in a long time. Remember, I don't cry a lot anymore. I have had "the" conversations with my mom and dad about life. I don't want to be the responsible, strong, educated, level headed one in this situation but it's falling on my shoulders somewhat. Someone has to do it right?

Well, over the last few days with people very close to me I have allowed myself to not be that person and to completely breakdown. Completely exposed my true emotions about the choices to be made. Tonight...I did that in front of a complete room of acquiantances...in the middle of bible study tonight I completely and totally fell apart talking about something unrelated to my mom's health and healthcare choices. Then as we were closing after I had finally composed myself, our group leader asked the group to pray for me and while they were praying I was blubbering, snorting and bawling my eyes out. I don't "DO" vulnerable well...

When I'm most vulnerable and feeling the most pain, I curl up with a stuffed animal and attempt to disappear within. I can outline a different stuffed animal for each of the most stressful or emotional low points in my life. This poor little guy has been stuck with a big task....the little panda bear just joined my collection after the boyfriend went to the San Diego Zoo. Poor little guy didn't know he was going to have to curl up in the arms of a scared, vulnerable woman.

I don't know what my mom's treatment choice will be. That's for her to make. I'll tell her what I think. I'll tell her why. But I can see both sides of her personal choice too. Cancer sucks! In her eyes, I will try to pull it all together. But this is what I'm really doing....