any one understand?

so much for things looking up. i'm lost, confused, and don't know where to turn or what to do next. like I said earlier, I know what I want but someone else doesn't. uncertainity hurts so bad when it hits you up side the head after you thought you knew what was going on. how come I have to care so much? how come I have to love so much? how come I want to make it work? lot's of how comes and now a single answer it seems. just tears, stress, and no one really close by that really understands. how come?

No picture...just a meme

Dirty Little Secrets -- Answer Truthfully. I edited it some.

1. The phone rings; who do you want it to be? The boyfriend, I'm tired and just want to hear his voice.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? Yes, drives me nuts when they are scattered.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener? Talker

4. Do you take compliments well? Not usually...forget to just say thank you and instead fumble all over my words

5. Do you play Sudoku? Only if it's readily available, I won't search out books and such

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive? Yeah, I'd bitch for a bit but I have the know how to make it for a few weeks.

7. Do you like to ride horses? Yeah but don't have the time or the money for that hobby anymore

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid? Never. First trip was as a junior in college to Yellowstone. I fell in love with it.

9. What was your favorite game as a kid? Gin Rummy with my grandparents

10. If a person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you go for it? Definitely absolutely NEVER! Been on the burned end of that and still recovering.

11. Have you lied to get out of a date? Yes

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you? yes, I find different religions interesting

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued? A bit of both

14. Use three words to describe yourself? committed, over-achiever, faithful

15. Do any songs make you cry? I don't have enough time to list them all

16. Are you continuing your education? Eventually...going to take a death investigations course sometime in the next few years

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun? Not really.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed? Not counting my husband…my purse so I wouldn’t have to get all my identification replaced.

19. How often do you read books? Every single day

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?The present into the future right now, hence I'm not sleeping well!

21. What is your favorite children's book? Velveteen Rabbit when I was little, Nancy Drew and The Hardy Boys as a pre-teen

22. What color are your eyes? Green

23. How tall are you? 5 feet 8 inches

24. Where is your dream house located? The top of a long driveway in the middle of the woods on top of a mountain in Montana

25. Have you tried sushi? Yes and I don't really like it

26. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Yes

27. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden? Last Friday night

28. When was the last time you were at Church? Saturday

29. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
My accountant's office...maybe 4 miles

30. What was your favorite job? Barista at a privately owned local coffee shop in Helena, MT

31. Do you look like your mom or dad? A bit of both and I notice more of each as I get older.

32. How long does it take you in the shower? 8 minutes (I know because I have it down to a science in the morning)

33. Can you do the splits? Nope

34. If you could fast forward your life, would you? Scared to right now

35. What did you do for New Year's? Had to bail on the romantic weekend so I invited a house full of friends over for chicken lasagna and a lot of wine and champagne.

36. Do you think The Grudge was scary? Not so much scary and just annoying loud and unreal. Hated it.

37. Could you relate to a character in Mean Girls? Never watched it.

38. Do you own a camera phone? Yes, can't seem to buy one without these days.

39. What do you buy at the movies? Popcorn with extra butter, root beer, twizzlers

40. Do you wear your seatbelt? Always

41. What do you wear to sleep? Any sort of pj pant and tank tops

42. Anything big ever happen in your hometown? Nope...300 people don't cause much big

43. Ever been to L.A.? My entire senior class went for 5 days for senior class trip.

44. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads? I pay now, use to download from wherever

45. Are you a gullible person? Nope, I have trust issues so I doubt pretty much everything until I can confirm all details

46. If you could have any job what would it be? Medical examiner

47. Are you easy to get along with? Most days...I have my moments

48. What is your favorite time of day? 11 pm or so...when I can curl up with a good book in the dark and quiet with just a little lamp and my kitties purring on my lap

Spring sprung

Spring sprung this weekend! YEAH!!!!

The last month has been wet, gray, and yucky. Not to mention the emotional turmoil of the past month for me. It's been hard. I'm doing my best to stay positive and the best remedy has been keeping myself very busy. My house is also very clean now. The weather over the last two days has allowed me to open my windows and air things out. I also worked outside in the garage and have this serious itch to clean it all out.

The last month has definitely had more downs then ups. It's amazing what a little sunshine and fresh air can do for one's psyche though. Clears out the cobwebs, dries a few tears (or sometimes a lot), gives things a new shine and outlook. I still don't know what the near future holds for me, I know in my heart what I want and I'll hold on to that because it feels safe. The rest, I can't control and for me that is the hardest part of it all. All I can do is be true to myself and keep both my heart and my soul busy...if spring cleaning is what I need to do it, I guess that's what I'll do.

Have a great week!w

Who'd you invite?

I don't talk religion on my site much but occasionally I throw it in. This weekend at our Women's Lenten Retreat the presenter led us through a cool visual reflection. When we were all done we met in small groups to talk about what we had visualized. The topic for the day was The Basin and The Towel in it's relationship to our call to serve and to be served as Jesus did at the Last Supper.

Our task was to arrange our own Last Supper. Jesus would be there in our own homes and we had to plan the meal and guest list. Would we use special dishes? Any particular table setting? Who would you invite? Etc...it was very intriguing.

I instantly decided on my Chicken Alfredo Lasagna. It's easy and tasts amazing. Goes great with a Caeser salad. A couple bottles of white wine. Something with raspberries for dessert. All easy enough. Then I started my guest list. Then I started wondering where I would sit every one. Then I started worrying if I forgot someone. Did I have all the ingredients? It's got to be just right...

Then, an "aha" moment! Forget the guest list, keep the menu, just invite Jesus. If you are familiar with the Bible stories of Mary and Martha you know Martha was a fussy sort. Everything had to be perfect, it was always her busy prepping and serving which made an event successful while her sister Mary would sit at the feet of Jesus and talk. Once Jesus scolded Martha for her flightiness and instructed her to sit and enjoy. So, I'm a "martha". I have to have it all planned out, I have to make sure every guest is happy.

So...for my Last Supper in my own home I would invite Jesus, we would eat in the living room on my usual periwinkle Fiestaware with several bottles of average white wine and afterwards curl up in blankets and watch a movie together. Boring but at least I know I was giving Jesus my attention and he vice versa.

Now, the challenge...Who would you invite? What would you make? Why that way? Just something to ponder.

Post-Patty's Day Prattle

The weekend is finally nearly over and I'm looking to get a few hours of it back! It was a great weekend and I wouldn't mind extending just a few hours of it. Maybe a few Irish prayers and the sun upon my back finally helped me out...

Yesterday morning started with our Lenten Retreat at church. We had a guest speaker so all i had to do was get the morning organized and physically set things up. The best part of the morning was a reflection she had us do on the Last Supper. She had us think about who we would invite to join us in our own home along with Jesus if we were to hose a dinner with him. Who to invite, who would sit where, what would you serve, etc? It was a neat experience.

Last night we joined a group of my friends and acquaintances from work for a surprise 50th birthday party. We had great food, good music, good friends. I even discovered a new drink. Ever try Yukon Jack and Mountain Dew in a Yu-Dew? Very yummy! We went out to a little Irish pub after dinner. It was a crowded smokey mix of drunkness and only an okay band. Their song selection was a bit questionable and their quality was just okay. We stayed until about 10:30 and headed home to watch a movie. This morning we took advantage of sleeping in, made breakfast, and hung out. It was very very nice.

i have smokey clothes to wash now and need to find something for supper but I'm happy for the first time in a few weekends. It was nice for a change. The luck of the Irish was with me and for that I'm grateful. Top o' the week to ya all!

Irish I am...

This is why i carry my own irish shot glass around my neck :)

You're 70% Irish

You're very Irish, and most likely from Ireland. (And if you're not, you should be!)

How Irish Are You?

I'm ready, are you...HNT

Last year I had fun with HNT on St Patty's Day so I thought I better keep the tradition up. I have my mug and am ready for my green beer! Happy HNT from your Irish lass.

Counting flowers on the wall...

I'm suppose to say that doesn't "bother me at all". I'm not convinced.

I said mutliple repeated rosaries last night, I read 10-20 pages of The Devil in The White City. I petted my snoring cats, I rolled onto my left, my back, and my right side. There are no flowers on my wall but there are 8 pictures of Montana landscapes of my own taking on the walls. I saw the clock turn about every 20-40 minutes and counted down until the alarm went off at a quarter to 6.

When i was asleep my dreams were of the past and of pain. Or just plain flat out didn't make logical sense. Finally got up on the second attempt at the snooze button this morning. Showered and got myself all pretty for a full clinic day.

It's now Tuesday night and I've worked 19 hours this week already and last night slept only about 3 total. I got home today around 4 ish and crashed hardcore for a two hour nap. Oops, I didn't make it to the gym. I slept so hard and was curled tight under the blankets. The cats were curled on top of that. I could have slept till tomorrow. But the dreams were scattered and unrealistic messes of jumbled thoughts.

I've had a meeting, I had dinner, now I'm watching a ballistics show and wrapped in a blanket on the couch. Maybe I'll sleep tonight, otherwise I need to paint some flowers on the walls.

look what i made..

It was my attempt at romantic and a perk for myself to have fresh flowers in the house. I don't think it turned out half bad!

My Visual DNA

Found this on Leesa's site and found it intriguing. I have better things I should be doing but instead I have my feet up and am watching In Her Shoes while laundry is going I'm not being completely nonproductive!

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Comic relief

Yes, I'm almost 30.

Yes, it's 4 in the afternoon and I'm NOT at work.

Yes, I've accomplished a few things this afternoon.

No, I haven't taken a nap.

Yes, I need a smile.

So...YES, I'm sitting with a blanket in my jammies watching Curious George, the movie!

Yes, I'll make it to my 6 pm volleyball game in time.

they are holding...

The bandages seem to be holding. They are getting a little stretched but so far so good. I wish I could go into a lot of detail but's too hard and too personal. The long story short is that I've hit some bumps in a long term relationship and the future is up in the air. It's scary, I think we can get past it, it's just hard.

Hopefully the bandages hold...it hurts like hell and I don't know what else to do.

So much for fun times...

i've moved out to the farm. so far so good but it's been nuts. The surgical rep covering for the house owners at his "real" job isn't helping. I have had to make two emergency runs to the hospital (yesterday at 6:15 in the morning and this morning at 8:30 when the hospital called woke me up) because the rep hasn't come in or had the right instruments. Yesterday morning since I was up so darn early I figured I might as well get chores done. That was fun actually.

I got the first two horses let to their pasture without a problem. The "girls" were another story. They wanted OUT and I wasn't moving fast enough. So Cindy and Joys both got to run and frolic around the yard independently for a while before I was able to get their leads on and back into the pasture. Silly girls. I went rounds with a nasty rooster and am proud to say I won :) I got him out of the barn and back into the yard. I went a second round tonight with him and the other gal that is normally doing chores and we beat him again :) Silly rooster!

The electricity went out in the barn too. When I got home from the hospital this morning the gal doing chores had left me a note asking if the lights were working elsewhere. The house stuff was fine. I called the owner and he walked me through all the buildings and they were fine too. He directed me on the phone to two outdoor switchboxes and those were fine. He called a neighbor and he came over. There was one box the owner didn't tell me to look at because he thought it would be fine. Well, with the cold weather and everything plugged in the breaker had switched and that was the problem. We got that fixed too.

Now if everything else was going okay. I'm in tears now, have been most of the weekend and don't know what my future is going to hold for me. The love of my life "isn't sure". Lots to talk about I guess. He wants to talk though so that's good right? I'm scared. I don't want to mess up another relationship that I thought was forever. We are more than friends by a long ways but are we marriage material? If we are close should we work on it? What if we aren't close? I'm just trying to hold myself together and hopefully the rest will fall into place. Great, uh?

Fun times ahead...

We are expected to get an additional 8-10 inches of snow in the next 24 hours. That's in addition to the 20 inches we got this past weekend and the three and a half we already got today. In between the boughts of snow fall today we have had sleet and rain. To say it's "interesting" out would be an understatement. I mentioned the result of the first storm was increased work for us. Today it resulted in a decrease in business. Monday was a call day. Today was a clinic day. We had quite a few brave souls who came in spite of the weather but many rescheduled. I have no problem with those who reschedule. I have a problem with those who do not call and simpley don't show up.

In between clinic patient's today I got to spend $400 on a new ignition/lock system for my car. Something wrong with the tumbler and electric communication between it and the shifter and brake. Yesterday it resulted in me being stuck in the parking ramp with a key stuck in the ignition and the inability to remove the key or turn the car on. I drove my way slowly home, parked in my garage and once again canceled all my plans for the night

I'm feeling a bit lonely now. My boyfriend has a severely busy week at work and I haven't gotten to see him very much. Sunday night he pulled an all-nighter working on his projects. Monday I was at work late so we canceled our plans to finish installing my new dishwasher. Tuesday night he was still working on deadline related projects. Last night was a great night of volleyball in spite of the weather. Our games were still on and we ended up winning all three after staying within a point or two of each other for all three games. Afterwards my boyfriend and I were able to have dinner together and then he came over to finish installing my new dishwasher. Unfortunately, the weather has interferred with my plans to go to his house tonight and hang out.

Fun times are ahead starting tomorrow so who knows how much we will get to see each other. I begin a house sitting job on a farm just outside of town. There are four horses, two pygmie goats, some chickens and an Australian shepard who lives in doors. Another individual is going to help with the chores but I will be staying at the house because Yoda, the dog, is mostly a house dog. I'm worried about the snow, loss of power, and horses in this blizzard. Could get interesting I was excited about housesitting until this blizzard rolled in, now I'm feeling very anxious. I don't like feeling anxious.

To top it all off, not having a lot of time to spend with my boyfriend over the last couple weeks is bugging me. I'm trying not to be the anxious, worried girl I am but lately it's been creeping in. I know he's busy. There is a lot going on at work this time of year for him. He is willing to make time for me. I just get lonely. I get use to seeing him nearly every day. I find comfort in knowing I can talk about my day with him, plan my weekend with him, just have him around. I don't share well and now I'm sharing him with work. It's awful to be jealous of an employer isn't it? Maybe once the final snow count is in we can hit the slopes on Sunday. I didn't get to go skiing last week with the rest of the gang because of my own work schedule. I felt left out then too.

Time for a glass of wine. I need a hug too...